"Lost Jews" video - is there an effective response?

Ed Case’s editorial about the MASA “Lost Jews” video appeared yesterday on JTA.
)Please read it here: http://jta.org/news/article/2009/10/25/1008716/op-ed-what-israelis-need-to-know-about-intermarriage-in-north-america)

Ed states what we professionals experience and wish the world knew, that many interfaith couples are seeking Jewish engagement, looking for programs, support and acceptance. Additionally many Jews in interfaith relationships become more involved in Jewish life than they would have had they married a Jew and been able to simply avoid the question of identity development all together.

But I am concerned that our stories and our defense of interfaith couples is the same song we’ve been singing for years and it is still not listened to.

What are the issues that prevent the Jewish community (in this case MASA) from absorbing our message? The kind of haunting sorrow expressed in the video could have come from an American Jewish institution and would certainly have been experienced as damning, judgmental and hurtful by interfaith couples. The only difference is that in America the messages have become more subtle because our community is more aware of the politically correct stance. So, what’s going wrong? Why do so many Jewish institutions still feel, expressed or concealed, an inability to hear that interfaith marriage is not the cause of assimilation and all it’s implications to the loss of Judaism?

1. Fear. People, Jewish or not, are paralyzed by fear. They do not become more open or creative, rather they tend to run faster in the same circle. So only a non-fear based message is going to reach them. Defensive messages reek of our own fear, so we just stimulate theirs.

2. Defensiveness. From fear to defense is a very short jump. After the outpouring of rage and hurt in reaction to the video MASA pulled the film and… and nothing. Smacked down by the reaction they got I’ve heard nothing more from MASA. So did we “win”? I don’t think so. Shutting down your opponent works only if you never want to have anything to do with them again. Winning in my mind is getting a new and good conversation going.

3. Lack of information. Our typical exchange has just been demonstrated: Statement against interfaith marriage, Anger and hurt expressed, Conversation shut down. No actual information has been exchanged. So the two sides go away, both of them hurt, both more certain of their “side” being right and neither better understanding the other.


What can we do better to get our message across?

In an angst ridden environment like this the first thing to do is listen. I doubt that anyone went to MASA and asked them, could you tell us about your concerns and what you were hoping to accomplish with your video? Let’s say the answer is, we want more Jews to come to Israel because that will make them feel more Jewish. AH! Great, we have two things to work on: How to get more Jews to Israel and how to make more Jews feel Jewish. So MASA, we could answer, it appears that that video didn’t do the job but let’s talk about how to accomplish your goals in other ways.

Back to America, how can we get out our message, that welcoming interfaith couples, supporting their family process and being their partners in their Jewish journeys (should they choose Judaism) is the best way to stem the lost of Jews?

First, we don’t attack, we talk. Again, we begin with listening to the fears of our Jewish agencies, CEOs, the guy sitting next to us in a meeting or the synagogue. Then, armed with the facts we begin a caring conversation. We express our own concern. “I’m in this work because I care deeply about the Jewish people.” We get to know their fears, their goals. Then we talk about how they can attain those goals, which are probably very much like MASA’s, for more Jews to be engaged and committed to Jewish life. We readily quote the data from studies. We give examples from our own work. And we acknowledge that, like Jewish education, there is no quick fix. This is the work of every generation, the work of a lifetime.

One approach that I am using more is to talk about the innocents in this turmoil, the children of intermarriage who did not do anything more than be born to their parents. Whether they are considered halachically Jewish or raised Jewish or are Christian with Jewish heritage, hurting them is cruel and wrong. There is nothing more self defeating than to dismiss the children, our children, as not truly a part of our family. In an article that I found very powerful, Benjamin Hartman, the son of a conversionary family said it well (emphasis is mine):


As a child of a mixed-marriage myself, I know quite intimately how a Jewish life lived on the frontiers of the Diaspora (Texas) in a family of suspect Jewish pedigree can still engender a very strong identity with Judaism.

If anything, I've learned that such a background can make the bonds stronger. I also have learned that no matter how strong that bond feels, and even if it does drive you to live in Israel, it's not up to the child of the mixed-marriage to decide whether they are alienated from Judaism, a simple dismissal by the Rabbinate of your Jewish credentials and your entire upbringing does a much better job.

(Read Benjamin’s article here: http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1113190.html)

I would like to add that Benjamin is NOT the child of an interfaith marriage; his mother converted. When will we stop dismissing the conversions our rabbis perform? That would be an excellent first step.

My friends, let’s put our own outrage and hurt in the freezer for now and engage our stressed and reactive community in healing conversations about effective methods that engage Jews in interfaith families. Along the way we will draw in a lot of other alienated Jews too, because a real welcome is a welcome to all.

Comments on the Bronfman Book

Several questions/comments were sent to me about the last post.

1. How did you (Dawn) get the book?
Rosanne Levitt, in a visit to the east coast, spoke with an employee of the Bronfman Foundation. She told the woman about the Alliance’s efforts to support advanced education among Interfaith Outreach workers and was offered several copies of the book.

2. Given that Bronfman didn’t connect with the professionals will you (Dawn) be sharing your thoughts with Bronfman and copying key individuals?
I spoke with the same young man who interviewed a number of us for the Foundation about a year ago, Ben Greene. Other key individuals in the work would be YOU ALL!

3. I have begun reading the book but have not found it compelling.
As a professional in this field you will find that the material in the book is already well known to you. In fact we discussed some of this in our Think Tank last September 2008. The book is basically a layperson’s survey of current data. The good news is that we can hope that more people will read and learn some of this basic information. The bad news is that, as a novice, his deductions are not always on target.

Two more thoughts
Perceptions of interfaith couples/families
One problem is that Bronfman uses his intermarried son to gain insight. This is a very common error: The survey of one. You now have a single individual’s experience representing a huge population. This is frequent in our line of work. A parent sees their child intermarry and it impacts them. They come to us with an adamant view informed solely by their child. Or an intermarried Jew comes and believes that all interfaith couples’ marriages are just like theirs. It would have been useful had Bronfman then been aware of this and ackn

Level of sophistication
Second, the challenge to those of us who are long time practitioners in this field is that we may feel discouraged by the lack of experience around us. All the more reason that we need to work on developing a more sophisticated and informed professional group.

Visiting Outreach Expert in Princeton

When Rabbi Sam Gordon came to her town, Eve Coulson jumped on the opportunity to have him speak to her local Interfaith Task Force. Take a look at the article below. Often a local voice, despite experience and expertise, is not heard out in the same way an outsider is. Take advantage of visiting professionals in your own community to bring together interested community leaders for a powerful dialog. You maybe be able to leaverage such a gathering into a communal leap forward.










Family service session focuses on outreach
Task force hears outreach specialists message of inclusion
A chance visit by Rabbi Sam Gordon to the Princeton area in mid-February provided a unique opportunity for the Interfaith Task Force of the Jewish Family and Children’s Service of Greater Mercer County to broaden its outlook on outreach, said Linda Meisel, JFCS executive director.
A specialist in the field of outreach for the past quarter century, Gordon is the founding rabbi of Congregation Sukkat Shalom in Wilmette, Ill., a progressive congregation with outreach to the intermarried and unaffiliated.
read entire article online here:
http://www.njjewishnews.com/njjn.com/031909/pmbFamilyServiceSession.html

Can We Afford to Publicize our Programs?

I could begin by arguing that we can’t afford NOT to publicize - most Jews, let alone interfaith couples - are not reading the Jewish News. But the fact is, if you don’t have the money, you can’t spend it.

So, let’s talk about money
Most people see the word “publicity” and think in terms of a monetary outlay for advertizing, something few non-profits can afford anytime but especially now. However, in today’s internet dominated environment any organization, even an organization without a website, can promote their events on free calendars and social networks.

But don’t look for fast results. Unless you have the money to advertize on TV you won’t be seeing sign-ups rolling in. You must go for what I can, the Grand Canyon Method - drop by drop, incessant bits of information raining down on your community. Put your events, every one of them, on the Jewish online calendars, the secular online calendars, all the local newspapers online and in-print community calendars. Don’t do it hoping to fill a program; do it to get your message out.

What result are you looking for?
When I moved onto a new street and met my neighbors one of them was a woman, a Christian, not married to a Jew, just a gal who reads the paper. She said, “Are you that lady who offers Jewish classes? I see them listed in the Montclarion.” (The Montclarion is a small, neighborhood paper that comes out twice a week.)

You must be tenacious and not expect immediate gratification. You are in this for the long haul.

Get yourself a website - a free one or just a Facebook page. You need a place to post your events. People no longer look in the phone book, they look on the internet, so get yourself a public face.

What should you say on your page/site?
Browse the sites of others in the interfaith outreach business. What do they offer that you want to emulate? Pictures? Stories? Links?
Be sure your site has your tone - that is, that it sounds like you/your program. Do you want to sound casual and accessible? Professional? Experienced? Compassionate? Be true to your own message and you’ll be fine.

If you want to talk to someone about your efforts, you may contact one of us from the column at the right.

A Definition of "Interfaith" "Outreach"

It might strike you as odd that I put two words in quotations in the title above. I did it for a reason. I hear many people tossing those words around singly and together without fully understanding what they mean. This cavalier use of the words means that they are often misused and that misuse leads to loss of support for and engagement in true “Interfaith Outreach.”

What is an INTERFAITH and OUTREACH Program?

Interfaith
An interfaith program specifically addresses the issues and concerns of interfaith couples and family members.


Many programs can function as part of an interfaith program that are not true “interfaith” programs. Some of them are: any introduction course, how-to classes for holidays and life cycle events, spiritual/theological education like A Jewish View of Jesus, social events like Israeli Folk Dance or Kosher Wine Tasting. Wonderful as these programs are, they do not help an interfaith couple dissect and evaluate the challenges that two different religious/cultural traditions bring to their relationship. They need programs that discuss personal identity, couple identity, community, children, and personal choices. They need that to happen with others who share their interests and concerns.

This is education on a very adult level. These couples must look deeply into themselves and evaluate their own interests and values. They deserve an experienced and knowledgeable facilitator. They deserve workshops that trust their emotional curiosity and intellectual integrity.


Outreach
An outreach program is publicized beyond the membership of the sponsoring institution.

Any program that is publicized only to the members of the hosting organization is not an “outreach” program. Hoping that your members will spread the word or that people will cruise your website shows a total lack of understanding of Marketing and Publicity.

A program is only an “outreach” program if you specifically invite the outside world to participate.

Unfortunately few people are doing programs that are both INTERFAITH and OUTREACH.

The Four Types of Interfaith Families

Jewish Demographics Studies
with Dr. Bruce Phillips

Over the course of years of studies, Dr. Phillips has come to identify interfaith families in four categories. They are:

Judaic - the only religion practiced in the household is Judaism.

Secular - no religion is practiced in the home. Both the Jew and the non-Jew (typically Christian) is not interested in religion.

Dual - two religions are observed, typically Judaism and Christianity. Family celebrates the holidays of both.

Christian - the only religion practiced in the home is Christianity.

There is an interesting error that most Jewish outreach stumbles on. The majority of outreach is directed at the Secular Family. This family has little to no interest in any religion. So efforts to draw them in are rarely successful. These individuals have no need or desire to have religion be a part of their lives. (I am using religion in its broadest terms here and including community.)

Additionally, Jewish outreach often shies away the Dual Religion family since Jews are uncomfortable with Christianity and do not support the idea of doing “both” religions in the home. Yet, these families are the most interested. Both partners are clinging to their religion and having trouble understanding how to sustain religion for each of them. They are the most receptive to learning about Judaism.

I do not want to down play how difficult programs for Dual Religion couples can be. They require a very centered and accessible facilitator who is comfortable with both hearing language that sounds like its neutralizing Judaism AND can express boundaries that are rational, not reactionary.

From a colleague:

Dear Lynne and Dawn,
This sounds like it must have been an eye-opening experience for all involved. I would be fascinated to know specifically what were the some of the most surprising elements of your work together with Dr. Phillips...
Do you have a plan in place to meet again? Thank you for continuing to include me in this valuable dialogue! I am often a silent participant simply because of the demands of my work, however I am learning more all the time about a new side of the Jewish tracks here at B'nai Israel
and am actively engaged in the work of Outreach as your partner even when you don't hear from me!!!
Thank you to all who attended the conference and for all the good work you are doing!
Very best,
Jane N. Young
Executive Director
Congregation B'nai Israel
Millburn, New Jersey

Jane -
We will indeed be sharing some of the fascinating information we learned over the coming weeks and months. There was SO DARN much that we'll be putting it on in manageable pieces.

We are hoping to plan another gathering. In fact that was the number one concern of the participants. They felt that it was so valuable to be together. We really are never together as experienced professionals. When there is a conference we are in the role of teachers and workshop leaders. We grab each other over meals and in hotel rooms to exchange ideas and experiences. This is the first time we were together for the sake of our own empowerment and education.

Dawn & Lynne

A Community of Practice

Lynne Wolfe writes:

We solidified ourselves as a community of practice during three days in September

A lone thinker or a group within the same discipline could not bring to an endeavor the level of creative process that took place. This was an exceptional moment in time!

Five veteran Jewish Outreach Professionals who work with Intermarried Families planned, received funding, and brought together nine other “on the ground” colleagues from different parts of the country with considerable experience in this field. One day was spent with Dr. Bruce Phillips, a demographer/ researcher in the Jewish Community. He discussed with us his research and that of others. We shared and exchanged the experiences of those we have actually worked with who are in the world he studies.

The commitment to ongoing dialogue with Dr. Phillips became mutually evident. It was clear that we need to communicate and “feed off of each other” so that we know we are reaching out to all those possible, and that the questions asked of participants in a study and answers given in future studies, be looked at in ways that speak to us in what we do. This approach would assist in the possible redesign, or validation of our programs. We further suggested that we participate in writing the questions to be asked so as to know the results of our expected outcomes.

For me this was one of the important outcomes that I anticipate will help to move our profession/discipline forward. Many of us this past year have been asked by Jewish Philanthropic Foundations about best practices…as a pioneer in this work having done it for over 17 years, I am in a position to elaborate. However, I believe it is time for the researchers to know more accurately what we are doing in order to collaborate so we can honestly validate or redesign and be able to move more effectively to share and widen our Jewish World.

After the Think Tank

The three of us from the Alliance were amazed and thrilled - we expected things to go well but we just didn't know the Think Tank would go this well! A million thanks to each of you who participated and to our wonderful funders, the Charles and Lynn Schusterman Foundation and the Walter and Elise Haas Sr. Fund. We are in the midst of writing up the results of our conversations.

Our guest speaker was Dr. Bruce Phillips, a well respected sociologist and demographer. We spent the first day with Dr. Phillips reviewing the current data on interfaith marriage. Fortunately for us, Dr. Phillips was recently asked to review all the current data for a book.

We look forward to sharing our experiences with others in this field.

September Think Tank

In just a few days a group of the long-time professionals in Interfaith Outreach will gather. Our purpose is to develop a foundational understanding of interfaith marriage by looking at all the research to date. We will compare it to our own on-the-ground experience. By combining a study component with Dr. Bruce Phillips and our own first hand knowledge, we plan to work together to draw up a proposal for communities to use as they create outreach programming in their own towns, shuls, JCCs, and agencies.

We are so looking forward to this invigorating experience! So rarely do we have the opportunity to be together and share at this level.

We have been blessed to be supported financially by the Charles and Lynn Schusterman Fund and the Walter and Elise Haas Fund.

Stay tuned as we move forward.

Reform and Conservative rabbis to learn together

Interesting news! The Reform and Conservative rabbinic schools will be working on a new combine educational track that will focus on three areas:

One part is demographics and Jewish communal trends. Another is management and organizational leadership. And the last is inclusion, with an emphasis on the intermarried.

How amazing that the rabbis will be educated about demographics and Jewish communal trends! Be still my heart, what this could lead to! Additionally, the opportunity to learn together about how to approach the inclusion of intermarried couples into congregational life is fantastic. This will provide a rich dialog and an exchange of information.

Years ago Esther Perel was brought out to do a weekend teaching with the bay area rabbis. It was a powerful experience for them. One Conservative rabbi told me that the dialog that took place between the rabbis transformed his understanding of his Reform colleagues. He understood their struggle with Jewish law and boundaries as he had never done before. This is a two way street. Reform rabbis also have the chance to understand the longing of the Conservative rabbis to find a comfortable place for each of their beloved congregants. Each stream will find how much they have in common.

It will be called the Schusterman Rabbinical Fellowship.

Read the article at:
http://www.jta.org/cgi-bin/iowa/news/article/2008071520080715hucjts.html

Lashon HaRa or Doing Outreach in the Trick or Treat Community

If we want to do outreach in our Jewish communities we have to change the entire climate internally to the communities. So long as we are gossiping/putting down any part of the community we give a negative message to the individual or family considering participating in said community.

Imagine you are taking your child Trick or Treating in the neighborhood where you’re thinking of buying a new home. You walk up to a nice looking home and knock at the door. The resident opens the door and smiles. She smiles, chats and offers your child a treat. Then she leans forward and confides, “Thank goodness you came to my house. The house to my left is a crack house, the one to my right reeks of the 87 cats that live there. And across the street, the man living there beats his wife and kids. But don’t worry, just always come to my house and you’ll be fine.”

How much do you want to buy a house in that neighborhood now? When we speak disparagingly of other Jews and other synagogues and other parts of the community we give the message that Jewish community (the Jewish neighborhood) is a negative, unkind place. Why would you want to live with these people?

When we can articulate the differences that enrich our Jewish community – the Orthodox shul, the rabbi at the synagogue across town, the minyan that meets in the city community center, the down in the heels kosher grocer, the uptown Majong club, the LGBT movie club – we become interesting, intriguing, embracing.

Role model for all your agencies, synagogues and leaders what you want from them, flexibility, confidence, delight in diversity.

Try to find a place in your heart for each of the elements of your/our community and you will show the new comer a taste of what they can expect: acceptance.

A Metaphor for Jewish Community

Some months ago I was in a meeting where we were discussing the metaphors for Jewish Community. The one you commonly hear is the image of the bull's eye with the most connected or affiliated at the center. Emanating out from that are the layers of Jews as less and less engaged. I believe many of us find that inaccurate and not useful.

Additionally, we in Outreach often discuss the individual organizations in Jewish community in terms of their "welcoming" or "openness." We judge them by how relaxed their observance of Halacha is. So the fewer conditions on the potential participant, the more welcoming they are said to be. I find this image to also be inaccurate and not useful.

I have a couple of ideas -

Looking at the Welcoming definition
I like to think of Jewish community as a living organism. Each organization within the community (synagogue, JCC, agency) is like a cell. Every cell has a membrane. In order to live the cell must take things in and pass things out. If the membrane becomes non-porous, the cell dies. If the membrane is broken, the cell dies. So each entity must decide on it's own boundary (membrane) and sustain it. Additionally, all those cells make up different and necessary body parts. Each has its own function. All are interdependent for the life of the body.

This approach has made it easy for me to work with different movements and agencies. I'm comfortable with whatever they decide is their boundary -- whether it would be mine personally is irrelevant. In choosing their own boundary and function they sustain the whole. This also means that an Orthodox or Conservative Jew who has married a non-Jew can find acceptance in my program. I have not judged their way of life to be "unwelcoming." Additionally I believe it broadens all my couples when they are asked to be accepting of multiple life choices, not just ones that match their own.

Looking at the "Engagement" Level
(These numbers are based on the 2004 San Francisco Jewish Population Study done by Bruce Phillips.)
Rather than the bull's eye model, think of the students in a college class. The students represent the entire Jewish population. A portion of those Jews we consider to be most engaged. They are members of synagogues or JCC or they give to Jewish organizations - but they connect with a formal Jewish organization in an ongoing way. In the SF study 28% of the community was in this group. These are the most knowledgeable students, they come to class, do their homework, participate in class discussions and are probably majoring in this subject.

Also in the population are the Jews that say, "Don't call me, don't even call me Jewish. I want nothing to do with Judaism." In the study they are 8%. These students don’t come to class at all. They don’t like this subject and are likely to be inquiring about how to drop the class.

Another portion of the population say they "do Jewish" at home, they aren't interested in the broader Jewish community. They represent 20%. These students don’t come to class, they look up the assignments online and email in their work to the professor. They might be interested someday, but not right now.

This leaves 44% that I call Threshold Crossers. They go to Film Festivals, book discussions, holiday celebrations, services, etc. at JCCs, synagogues, and other Jewish venues but they don't join. These students come to class, they occasionally participate in class discussions, and they turn in the homework. They moderately interested in the subject being taught.

We the Outreach workers are the professor of this class. We can’t reach the students who are already dropping the class. We may be able to email the students that stay home. But our greatest portion of our students shows up, does the work but just isn’t yet enthralled with the topic. It is our job to try to interest and engage this group, the largest group, the group that shows up. Can we stimulate them, surprise them, fascinate them? I think we can.

In terms of successful outreach programs that invite those who are potentially interested in Jewish community, I believe it is the Threshold Crossers that are the easiest to reach. They show up at our Jewish buildings and they represent the LARGEST segment of the population! It doesn't take a lot of Public Space events to get them because they are coming to us. At 44% they are the majority of Jews in my community. I do need to publicize events in the secular venues because our community is not so obvious as Jewish community is in New York or Los Angeles. I do have to be findable. If I want continued engagement, I have to provide value -- a reason for these folks to sign up for more events, information, whatever. I am aware that things may be quite different in your community.

Our shared concerns for discussion:

* creating a metaphor for Jewish community
* what are the Jews that make up your community like
* usefulness of Public Space events in your area
* successful approaches to marketing & getting the word out